I do exercise every day for 2 1/2 hours. I eat very carefully.
Yes, I am addicted to laxatives. I am afraid of what will happen if I stop. The dietitian I use to see (for more than 2 years) tells me that I am killing my insides that my bowels will stop working and depend on the laxatives, but I don’t care.
Yes, I want to be healthy and I feel healthy. I am probably in better shape than your average woman on the street.
The thoughts of suicide are strong my therapists know my mental shape. I have promised to write in my journal, hit my heavy bag, and call Helpline if nothing else works.
I also spend a lot of time talking to my boyfriend. He knows most of my feelings. I can’t tell him everything because I don’t want to scare him away.
I am sorry for writing to you so much, but it is one way to release feelings inside of me. Please forgive me. I do listen and take some of your advice so your words don’t go to empty eyes.
Two and one-half hours of exercise a day is excessive unless you are training for a competitive sport. Do you see that between laxatives and exercise that you have little time left in your day to live?
You should be concerned about your intestines if you don’t stop abusing laxatives. Your intestines are a long muscle with rhythmic movement to move food then stool along while absorbing nutrients. When you take a laxative, you relax your intestinal muscle so stool just slides along and out.
If you feel healthy, then why can’t you accept yourself as you are? Perfection is unattainable and not human.
Sounds like you have a good plan for suicidal thoughts. I assume your heavy bag is a boxing bag. If it is, that would be a good way to get rid of aggression and stress.
Do you have other friends (women) who you could talk to and confide in? Have you thought of joining a support group for persons with eating disorders? Why not ask your therapist for info on support groups in your neighborhood?
I know you wouldn’t write unless you had something important to say or ask. Your best support system though is physically closer to you as friends, family, and therapist. Please write back and let me know about your progress.